Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I'm so blessed. And at times, I even feel guilty about it. I just got done reading another story on facebook of a couple that lost their 6 week old baby to a rare disease. I look down at my almost 8 month old with tears in my eyes because I can feel, on a very small level, what that mother is feeling and I can't help but wonder why it was her baby that had the disease. I have a wonderful, devoted, hard working, honest husband and a healthy, bright, energetic almost 8 month old baby who brings so much joy to my life. I have a comfortable home, a freezer full of food, money in the bank, pets, and the opportunity to stay home with my baby. And I can't help but wonder why. Why am I not one of the people going to bed tonight, shivering in tattered blankets under a bridge with an empty stomach? There's a young woman in our church who was asking me about the adoption process and how we got Josiah... she's had two miscarriages already and she just wants to be a mom. I know that there's a part of her that feels pain every time she sees me holding my baby. Why was our adoption so (relatively) easy? Why were we basically just handed a baby when we weren't even looking for one yet? Why did we get the baby of a young woman who was placing because she loved her child and therefore took good care of her child while she was pregnant (no drugs or alcohol, took prenatal vitamins, went to all her doctor's visits)? We never had to worry about getting a crack baby or a baby with birth defects due to alcohol use.
And amazingly enough, I still whine. I still gripe. I still complain when things don't go the way I want them to. I get impatient with the beautiful little baby boy that God gave me. I get discouraged because my husband doesn't make as much money as I wish he did. It's bad enough that the life I have is totally undeserved. But I add to it by complaining about aspects of that life. I'm a royal sinner, or, as Paul puts it, the worst of sinners. Some people may look at my life and say that I probably deserve at least some of it. I'm smart, I've had some education, I've made wise decisions, I've worked hard to get to where I am now. But guess what. All of those things are also a blessing because God was the one who made me smart, gave me the opportunity to be educated, gave me the ability to work hard. Even the things that some might say got me to where I am today (which they didn't) are blessings that I don't deserve. And that's why I wonder. I'm a sinner deserving of hell and the wrath of God. But I've been saved by His amazing grace and blessed beyond imagination. Why?